I got real down today and I listened to this music and some other artists and I didn't really get up, but you know what? I got okay.

       Last night I performed at Club Diablo, arguably one of the worst places to perform stand up for any comedian. Performing there has literally been worse and worse every time I go there and last night was no different.

I really hate that stage and usually regret doing it every time.

       But really, that has no bearing against whoever is nice enough to ask me to perform there, whether it was for last night's show or the "Spook Shows". I appreciate them giving me a chance to make people laugh and tell some jokes.

       For those of you who don't know, Club Diablo is the heir apparent to Continental (the previous metal/goth bar from Pearl st.) that has most of the hardcore acts and had Green Jello play there a few times. Past that, I don't know what they do.

       I know a few comedians who have performed there and they all give the same negative review. But I don't blame anyone but us. This venue is the anti-comedy venue of Buffalo. But again, it's our fault, the comedians. We jump of the cliff like lemmings.

       The problem with the venue is the stage has very little space in front between it and the bar. Also, unless you are a band with instruments that get loud, then the back of the room is not going to hear you and in turn, tune you out and talk, go about their business and wait until your done to be quiet or they are going to go outside and smoke. The remaining people in the front will usually be attentive, laugh at the right time and enjoy the set. The people in the middle, they're torn between trying to get their drinks, half paying attention and therefor, might miss a punchline or two. When that happens, you might just end up getting heckled. Not to mention, this being a goth/metal bar, there aren't the most respectful audience members you could hope for.

       I'm no stranger to hecklers, most comedians should expect it to happen occasionally. I've performed in front of some great audiences before, but sometimes, someone needs attention. It's pretty easy to show your displeasure with a comedian, you just don't laugh. Believe me, that hurts enough. In the deepest parts of our soul, we're already hating ourselves more than you can hurt us. But when you yell stupid shit, you do give us a great outlet for that hate.

       Case in point, last night I was heckled by a douche bag with a hot girlfriend. (Which, I have to say baffles me the most. Sir, you're with an attractive woman and as a heterosexual male, your job is to not look like an asshole and continue to be in her good graces.) But he decided it would be funny to yell stupid shit out and when feelings got hurt, fell in line and moved on. Here's verbatim what happened:

Me telling whatever bit I was in the middle of and DB (We'll just shorten up the douche bag title) yells out:

DB: Hey, are you finished?

Me: What was that?

DB: Are you finished?

Me: No, I'm not finished, I'm done when I finish on your fucking face you jerk off (motioning jerking off myself, complete with hand flick explosion)

       To which his douche bag friends laugh and one says "That's the funniest you've been all night!"

       Which, I don't respond to, those kind of comments are best left unanswered, they're pointless baiting which you can move on from.

       But DB, obviously hurt yells out to me in a stuttering mess "Hey is my dick out" and then pauses for a second and completes his barb before I can respond "because why else is your mouth open?"

       Ha.Ha.Ha.

       For the readers who don't get it, he was implying my mouth should be shut unless it was preparing to perform fellatio on his genitalia.

       But he doesn't realize that being the person I am, I tend to have stuff in the  chamber and I'm usually ready for stuff like this.

       So I simply respond "My mouth is open because I like making you look like an asshole, where'd you get that outift? Did you rough up somebody on the set of an Avril Lavigne video? I like that you asked me if your dick is out too, that's good, but I don't think this place has a fucking spotlight to find it with, maybe ask your friend he's got more experience with it."

       He just nodded his head like a moron making angry face at me balling his fist before he retreated (as he should have).

       So, I finished my set with a few more ears than before and got off-stage. I chatted up my roommate a bit who was there for the burlesque girls and didn't even know I was performing until he saw the poster. Obviously, he's a huge supporter.

       But I went to the bar for a shot of Jameson and to cash out my tab and because I'm curious and there was only one spot available to get to the bar, it just so happened to be right next to DB. Now, I'm off-stage, no reason to say anything to him, but I did get to overhear his conversation. He was basically going on and on about his favorite comedian is Mitch Hedberg and that's hist style of comedy etc. Which I guess is cool, I like Hedberg, aside from the CD his wife put out after he died (which had it's funny moments but was surely not his best material) but my problem is this: When no one is watching, when no one is listening, when no one really gives a fuck, these people are quiet as a church mouse and in most cases, no one is coming up to them saying they were funny or saying they did a good job and to the people who did that to me last night and to those of you who payed attention and were respectful I want to say thank you. That's appreciated and to those who laughed, I'm glad I could do that for you and add some humor to your life.

       And special thanks to Lady Zilla for letting me perform and Fur Terminal for being ridiculously funny with their weird ass music. I guess it was a night for the freaks.

So much better than the original by Metric. But I'm sure they're nice people.