How to escape the "friend zone" on a McDonalds napkin

If you don't like sleeping, get the fuck out of here. This isn't for you. This is for me and the people who like me. I'm judging you right now as you read this. Not a grouped version of you. You specifically. By name. That's how I roll. I'm pitying you personally.

Look at this guy's face, look how enjoyable his life is with naps. This guy is so happy. He has a blue cow and a comfortable looking pillow, what could be wrong? He takes blissful naps, his life is full. He probably smokes weed which makes naps even better! I bet he owns a cool ass St. Bernard puppy.

This guy is the total opposite. He does coke or some shit that makes him sleep even less and his dick soft. His life is the worst. He doesn't even have a blue cow. He didn't sleep a wink last night. He probably hated the move "The Sandlot". He fucked up. Don't be like him. Don't be like Bill*.


*I don't know if he is named Bill, be for some reason I think people named Bill are cocksuckers.

This woman is beautiful. Not because she uses skin care products but because she goes the fuck to sleep. Her life is great, she dates guys who are awesome, has a good job and respects herself. Because she sleeps. She survives.

This is Mara's* sister Stephanie**. She is a fucking wreck. She never sleeps, stays up all night studying, spends her weekends getting shitfaced at bars. She probably has a yeast infection. If she took more naps, she'd be living a loving life. Instead, she follows quote accounts on twitter. She probably cuts herself too.

* That's a dope name.
**Stephanies are usually cunts.

Look at this motherfucker.
LOOK AT HIM!
Look at me wide the fuck awake.
I look like shit.
I should be sleeping.
I slept earlier and looked great when I woke up.
Let's all agree, we should sleep more. It would be amazing.

Stop reading this article and go the fuck to sleep. It's not even interesting. It's boring. It's meant to make you tired. If you need more motivation, listen to Samuel L. Jackson read "Go the Fuck to Sleep" it's like Shel Silverstein on a crystal meth rage.

These are certain facts I am happy to report.

Tracy Morgan is still the star of 30 Rock.

Chris Brown has at least 5 of the top 100 songs in the country.

Arnold Schwarzenegger spent his birthday with his soon to be ex-wife.

Michael Vick is a millionaire and is on what looks to be one of the best teams in the NFL right now.

Casey Anthony is free (and hot).

       While I don't support violence against women, children, gays or animals I'm so fucking glad that everyone who cried, bitched, moaned and fucking begged for a reason to be offended and angry didn't accomplish anything.
       The truth is, the thing that offends me the most, is people being offended. Here's what it comes down to, people like to be offended, it's a natural fact. Because it's a distraction. Because it tells people they're better than other people. Because it makes us feel important. Because it show that they're sophisticated and above the evils of the world. But it doesn't. Not to me. To me, you getting mad a Tracy Morgan shows me you're sensitive, can't take a joke, no matter how tasteless. To going from in love with Chris Brown to refusing to listen to his music shows me you're emotional, you can't disconnect from the fact that, he might be an asshole, but he's still talented. You cried when Michael Jackson died, but he gave blow jobs to little kids. You got sad when Amy Winehouse OD'd but she did every drug in the book. Biggie and 2pac get shot and you make them heroes when they promoted violence, sexism and drugs. You still listen to them today. Same with countless other rockers, writers, politicians and people of notoriety. You know who offends me more than all of those people listed combined?

I'll give you a list.

Christian Coalition of America
These right-wing hacks claim to be pro family, but not the gay ones. If you're a guy that sucks a dick and loves the guy attached to it and you happen to have a child somehow, they fucking hate your family. Your family ain't shit. This hypocrisy is nonsensical and wrong. They're promoting hate and intolerance, not love and equality. 

PETA
These cunts. Don't even get me started on the arrogance of vegans and PETA volunteers. So I eat a hamburger, it's tasty as hell. You say it tastes like cruel treatment to chickens, but I say it tastes like glory, that's the Mash Bowl at KFC. Listen, if you want to protect animals from getting whipped and mistreated, I say you do like Temple Grandin and develop a humane system for processing and slaughtering animals. Make a compromise. Stop being such an asshole. There's always a middle ground, most of you "activists" just refuse to see it. 

NAACP
Yeah, you served your purpose. But you know what, your time has passed. Yeah, race relations in this country aren't what they should be, but guess what? They're loads better now and you had a hand in that. Rest up, relax. Stop flipping out every time they're is a perceived slight against the black community. You've given the black community an excellent base to which it stands, but here's my suggestion, help to mold it into a success. Help the downtrodden and poor. Focus on education and providing the black youth with more role models. Stop being the victim and start being the victor.

GLAAD
Biggest. Fucking. Assholes. Yeah, yeah, I know, they're the new "it" minority. They've got a lot of power so they try and push everyone around. Anti-bullying ads, okay, I see it. It's wrong to pick on people. But you have to wonder why is it that suicides of gay teens take precedent over suicides of teens, in general. You want the same rights as heterosexuals, you deserve it. I get that, but you getting pissed off about a movie line from a comedy that specifically says that it's use of the word gay is not intended to be regarding homosexuals but instead another commonly used meaning. Such an uppity group of self important assholes, all of a sudden you get support and power and now you've got this self indulgent focus on being the underdog and you can get offended at everything. Fuck, you're probably offended that I wrote about this group the most, instead of realizing, this is the biggest of the rights groups in this country right now so in turn, it deserves the most attention.

       The point is, it's one thing to search out equality, tolerance, respect, civility and fairness. But the blind ignorance of failing to realize that there are people out there that don't share your opinion, but could possibly still be good, honest, hardworking people? That's offensive as hell.

Not all Republicans are homophobic, sexist, racist, anti-Semitic buffoons.
Not all omnivores are selfish, insensitive schmucks who hate animals.
Not all white people are racist, also, every race can be racist. Not just us.
Not all gay people are out to throw their sexuality and genitals in your face.

       You just want to box them in and in turn, do to them what you so loudly cry that is being done to you. Oppress and marginalize. So get off of your high horse. Equality is exactly that. If you want it so much, stop fighting for special treatment, earn it instead.

       Become the politicians, organize your group, compromise, inform, educate and interact. Ignorance is powered by the uneducated, so work to end ignorance, but at the same time, stop being ignorant yourself.

Harry Potter had that shit right on.

"Fear of a name only promotes fear of a thing itself."

       Stop being offended by words. I understand it sucks to be called a nigger, a faggot, a dyke, a kike, a spic, a hick, a chink and a twink and a whole lot of other things. I'll never be able to fully empathize with you, I won't but I can tell you this, it feels fucking great to be called a name and as an adult say to myself "who gives a shit" and keep it moving. It doesn't even give me pause and while you might say "it's different for you, you're a straight, white male". You know what I say to you? "Yes, I am, but I wish you could do it anyways, because you'll be able to focus on more important things."

Like hating how fucking fat you are.

PS - Please, stop making fun of my weight, I'm very sensitive about it.

PPS - To the people who think I wrote this to offend people (continuing the cycle of offended assholes), you're wrong. I wrote this because I feel like people are too sensitive. I very rarely go out of my way to offend people. I'm what you call a "natural talent". I don't want to offend you though,  I'd rather you not be offended. But when it comes to either you being offended or me censoring my beliefs, fuck you, be offended. I'm not your babysitter, you want to get coddled? Stay inside your house and never, ever leave it.

I have to admit, I have a fairly low physical pain threshold. I mean, when am I ever in pain? The occasional headache, that's about it. I don't get hungover and surprisingly enough, I don't have any real health issues that are present on a regular basis.  But this past Sunday, I went to the beach and I learned a life lesson or two that I'm going to share with you fine folks today.

First of all (and I'm pretty sure I knew this, but either ignored it or just completely forgot about it) if you go to the beach and it is cloudy, it's more dangerous than clear skies and continuous heat. Why? Because Mother Nature is a deceptive cunt. The UV rays are still coming down, but you don't get the warning you would with a clear sky, so you may (if you're like me) fuck up and think you're safe. Not only are you wrong, but you're in for a world of pain.

I'm burnt as hell. My skin literally feels as if I'm consistently burning and itching at the same time. In the beginning it was just constant pain, which sucked, but it was consistent. Now, it doesn't hurt as much, but it itches like crazy as my skin begins to repair itself.

I do not know whether to keep itching it or try and fight it off with mind over matter. Regardless, I'm in for another few days of this at least. It is painful, irritating and a battle of wills. It's like dating my ex-girlfriend Erin, except without the average at best blow jobs.

The second lesson I have learned is that, I don't ever want to go out in the sun again, ever. Fuck this noise. I'll stay pale. This is torture not worth it. I know I'll look fucking tan and like a human being for once but honestly, still not worth it. The evil trick about this sunburn business is, I can't sleep because of constant discomfort. So I stay awake and instead, I itch.

Fucking hate it. Hate the sun. Hate the earth. Hate the beach. Hate you.

People are complaining that the death of Amy Winehouse is overshadowing the tragedy in Norway. They want answers, they want to know why it is getting more coverage. Well it's pretty simple. Two days ago, when you heard of Norway, what did you think? Here's a few possibilities...

"Is that a city in America? No? Then fuck Norway, they're pussies."

"Did that team of girls beat them in that sport that doesn't matter?"

"Is that where Ikea started? Switzerland? No, I'm pretty sure they started Ikea."

"Vikings are from Norway, I really liked 'How To Train Your Dragon', those guys are cool."

Things people would say about Amy Winehouse as of two days ago:

"HA! That bitch LOVES drugs!"

"Cocaine's a helluva drug!"

"I heard she doesn't do drugs anymore.... LOL!"

"Man, I wish she wasn't such a fucking drug addict, she made some great music"

"I like Lily Allen better."

"They tried to make her go to rehab and she said no, no, no. I like that song."

"DEATH POOL, 2011!"

There are a lot more comments about Amy Winehouse, do you know why? Because she is more of a pop culture fixation. She made some great music, had a lot of talent and sadly, she blew up in a tornado of drugs, mistakes, pressure and alcohol. Regardless, those things made her more famous. She was in the news all the time, Norway was rarely even in Norway's news. No one gave a fuck about that country two days ago. So stop trying to act better than everyone, talking all that shit like you care about Norway.

It's sad that those people died. It's a terrible tragedy, a horrible disaster and unforgivable offense.

It's also sad that a talented person squandered their abilities with drugs and alcohol.

Which is worse? In numbers, obviously, Norway is worse. But really it depends on your emotions. Some people were huge fans of her music. Some people were related to her, they were family, they were friends. It's all about connection and what you cared about more. Personally, I liked her music, it's sad she's gone and it sucks that a maniac killed all those people in Norway. But neither of them matter much to me. I'll still not give a shit about Norway and I'll still think she deserved all those Grammy's because her albums were dope.

But really, I'm more concerned with your need to connect to everything as if those deaths affect you. They don't. Winehouse is dead from addiction and her own stupidity. Another lesson in why you shouldn't do hard drugs. The people in Norway are dead because a crazy, heartless psychopath made a decision that affected thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of Norwegians and for them, I feel sorry, but really, I'll sleep fine tonight. Not because I can't understand the scope of it, but mainly, because I'm in the United States and I'm spending my weekend watching movies and drinking alone.

       Last night I performed at Club Diablo, arguably one of the worst places to perform stand up for any comedian. Performing there has literally been worse and worse every time I go there and last night was no different.

I really hate that stage and usually regret doing it every time.

       But really, that has no bearing against whoever is nice enough to ask me to perform there, whether it was for last night's show or the "Spook Shows". I appreciate them giving me a chance to make people laugh and tell some jokes.

       For those of you who don't know, Club Diablo is the heir apparent to Continental (the previous metal/goth bar from Pearl st.) that has most of the hardcore acts and had Green Jello play there a few times. Past that, I don't know what they do.

       I know a few comedians who have performed there and they all give the same negative review. But I don't blame anyone but us. This venue is the anti-comedy venue of Buffalo. But again, it's our fault, the comedians. We jump of the cliff like lemmings.

       The problem with the venue is the stage has very little space in front between it and the bar. Also, unless you are a band with instruments that get loud, then the back of the room is not going to hear you and in turn, tune you out and talk, go about their business and wait until your done to be quiet or they are going to go outside and smoke. The remaining people in the front will usually be attentive, laugh at the right time and enjoy the set. The people in the middle, they're torn between trying to get their drinks, half paying attention and therefor, might miss a punchline or two. When that happens, you might just end up getting heckled. Not to mention, this being a goth/metal bar, there aren't the most respectful audience members you could hope for.

       I'm no stranger to hecklers, most comedians should expect it to happen occasionally. I've performed in front of some great audiences before, but sometimes, someone needs attention. It's pretty easy to show your displeasure with a comedian, you just don't laugh. Believe me, that hurts enough. In the deepest parts of our soul, we're already hating ourselves more than you can hurt us. But when you yell stupid shit, you do give us a great outlet for that hate.

       Case in point, last night I was heckled by a douche bag with a hot girlfriend. (Which, I have to say baffles me the most. Sir, you're with an attractive woman and as a heterosexual male, your job is to not look like an asshole and continue to be in her good graces.) But he decided it would be funny to yell stupid shit out and when feelings got hurt, fell in line and moved on. Here's verbatim what happened:

Me telling whatever bit I was in the middle of and DB (We'll just shorten up the douche bag title) yells out:

DB: Hey, are you finished?

Me: What was that?

DB: Are you finished?

Me: No, I'm not finished, I'm done when I finish on your fucking face you jerk off (motioning jerking off myself, complete with hand flick explosion)

       To which his douche bag friends laugh and one says "That's the funniest you've been all night!"

       Which, I don't respond to, those kind of comments are best left unanswered, they're pointless baiting which you can move on from.

       But DB, obviously hurt yells out to me in a stuttering mess "Hey is my dick out" and then pauses for a second and completes his barb before I can respond "because why else is your mouth open?"

       Ha.Ha.Ha.

       For the readers who don't get it, he was implying my mouth should be shut unless it was preparing to perform fellatio on his genitalia.

       But he doesn't realize that being the person I am, I tend to have stuff in the  chamber and I'm usually ready for stuff like this.

       So I simply respond "My mouth is open because I like making you look like an asshole, where'd you get that outift? Did you rough up somebody on the set of an Avril Lavigne video? I like that you asked me if your dick is out too, that's good, but I don't think this place has a fucking spotlight to find it with, maybe ask your friend he's got more experience with it."

       He just nodded his head like a moron making angry face at me balling his fist before he retreated (as he should have).

       So, I finished my set with a few more ears than before and got off-stage. I chatted up my roommate a bit who was there for the burlesque girls and didn't even know I was performing until he saw the poster. Obviously, he's a huge supporter.

       But I went to the bar for a shot of Jameson and to cash out my tab and because I'm curious and there was only one spot available to get to the bar, it just so happened to be right next to DB. Now, I'm off-stage, no reason to say anything to him, but I did get to overhear his conversation. He was basically going on and on about his favorite comedian is Mitch Hedberg and that's hist style of comedy etc. Which I guess is cool, I like Hedberg, aside from the CD his wife put out after he died (which had it's funny moments but was surely not his best material) but my problem is this: When no one is watching, when no one is listening, when no one really gives a fuck, these people are quiet as a church mouse and in most cases, no one is coming up to them saying they were funny or saying they did a good job and to the people who did that to me last night and to those of you who payed attention and were respectful I want to say thank you. That's appreciated and to those who laughed, I'm glad I could do that for you and add some humor to your life.

       And special thanks to Lady Zilla for letting me perform and Fur Terminal for being ridiculously funny with their weird ass music. I guess it was a night for the freaks.